1. My coworker was a jerk about my idea, and I’m having trouble getting past it
I work in a research lab where everyone owns different projects but everyone also collaborates, shares expertise and advice, and lends a hand on experiments when necessary.
About a year ago, I presented my plan for a new project to the group. One teammate, Rupert, was inexplicably a huge jerk about it — about five minutes into my explanation, he interrupted me to tell me the project wouldn’t work and completely derailed the presentation arguing with me about it instead of letting me explain my ideas as I had planned to. It was really bizarre behavior, because in all contexts before and since, he has demonstrated that he is aware of norms like letting people say their piece first and softening your criticisms with phrasing like “you’ve probably thought of this, but how do you plan to handle Problem X?” Making it more complicated, our boss wasn’t there for that meeting so she couldn’t intervene with “hey Rupert, cut it out and let her finish,” so we spent a good 20 minutes just kind of squabbling, which must have looked pretty bad to junior members of the team.
The experience left me feeling really bad and confused! Not about the project (it was in fact a good idea, and I had gotten lots of other helpful feedback about it) but about what about me and my work could possibly have induced Rupert to act that way toward me and no one else.
Since then, I’ve made a lot of progress on the project and it’s yielding successful and interesting outputs, but in the course of presenting progress to my team I find myself still really sensitive and defensive about any feedback from Rupert, even though it’s no longer at the same jerk level from that initial presentation. I know I need to get over it because having that attitude isn’t serving me or anyone else. What’s more, the project is now heading in a direction where I would really benefit from Rupert’s particular area of specialized expertise. How do I rebuild my relationship with him as a valued collaborator, if the hurt feelings and confusion are entirely on my side?
Do you have the kind of relationship with him where you could just ask what that was all about? As in, “I’ve been moving forward with the X idea I presented last year and it’s yielding some pretty interesting outputs like __. But I keep thinking about how strongly opposed you seemed to it in the initial meeting where I presented it — to be honest, I was pretty taken aback by how that meeting went! I’ve wondered since then if I was missing some context about where you were coming from, and I figured I should just ask.” Who knows what you’ll hear — maybe he knows he came across like a jerk and has regretted it, or maybe he stopped smoking that week and was being an ass to everyone, or maybe he misunderstood some key component, or maybe he just truly feels strongly about it because of Reason. It’s a reasonable thing to ask.
But if you don’t have the type of relationship with him where you’re comfortable doing that, can you try just figuring that an explanation like that could be in play, and that it wasn’t about you, and just moving forward from there?
2. Intern printing personal (and sensitive) things on on our office printer
We are a small community-based nonprofit. We frequently host interns from local colleges and universities through established service-learning programs. This summer, we are hosting a rising senior. She started off strong, but has been struggling for the past few weeks. This morning, as I am prepping to meet with her to check in and provide feedback, she mentions that she is sending a large document to our (only) office printer. When I went to get my own printouts, I saw hers — a court document about a restraining order to protect her mom (who she lives with). I don’t have any issue with her using office resources in this way (though I’d ask that she not do it when she should be working). We all do this, and our interns don’t necessarily have resources like printers at home.
Do I disclose that I saw this? Ordinarily, I would forget I ever saw anything, but if this is affecting her work (which, frankly, I suspect it is given her age, the issue, and her demeanor), I want to be able to consider that when discussing her performance — and coach her on how to manage work responsibilities when there are things happening outside of work that are destabilizing and stressful. Second, what is a good script for “While we don’t prevent staff from using the printer for occasional personal use, in the future it’s in your best interest to not let your colleagues see personal printouts, to protect your privacy”?
Eh, I’d let the second part go entirely. Yes, it’s useful for her to be aware that she shouldn’t leave personal papers on the printer if she doesn’t want people to see them — but (a) it’s not even clear that she’d have a problem with someone seeing this and (b) I think mentioning it is going to make it feel like she did something wrong when she didn’t (since you noted personal use of the printer is fine). And sure, she shouldn’t be doing personal stuff while she’s working, but there’s no indication that she spent any time working on the document — she might have brought it from home and taken 30 seconds to print it, and that’s really no different than taking a couple of minutes to chat with someone or glance at a news article.
On the topic of wanting to be able to consider things outside work that might be affecting her performance … it wouldn’t be the worst thing to say, “Hey, I couldn’t help seeing this and I don’t want to invade your privacy, but I can imagine this is a stressful situation and if there are accommodations you need at work while it’s happening, I want to support you in that.” But unless you’re actually seeing signs that it is affecting her work, I’d err on the side of respecting her privacy.
3. Am I too late to apply for an internal job?
There’s an executive role open at my organization that I’m wondering if I can still apply for. The issue is we’re already halfway through interviews and I’m on the hiring committee.
A couple of months ago, my boss left her job and encouraged me to apply for her role. But it was such a leap in my mind and something I had never considered before. Also, around the same time, we had other staff transitions and exits that made my job and our team feel like we were in a crisis. I had a lot of new responsibilities on my plate and a new direct report whose scope did not fall into the work I do. At the time, work felt intense. I thought those few short weeks of intensity reflected what life would be like if I were in the vacant role.
But now that things have settled down, I feel a lot more optimistic about what my day-to-day would be like if I were in the role. And the thought of the role is actually quite exciting. Partway through the first round of interviews, someone from the executive team told me that they were surprised that I hadn’t applied because they were excited and expecting me to, which makes me regret not applying even more. We’ve interviewed some great candidates and in terms of experience it would still be a bit of a stretch, but I also have other types of experience and a lot of internal and cultural knowledge.
My gut tells me I should ask the executive director as soon as possible if this is something that I can do because I might always regret it if I don’t. But my brain is telling me that it would make me look extremely out of touch and could slightly damage my reputation at this organization.
It shouldn’t make you look out of touch if you explain that your thinking has evolved since then, and as long as you acknowledge that the timing isn’t ideal and might even be prohibitive. Sample language: “I originally didn’t apply for the X role myself because there was so much going on with the transition that was keeping me busy. But my thinking has evolved since then and I’ve been regretting not throwing my hat in the ring. I know the timing might be prohibitive, particularly with me being on the hiring committee, but I figured I should talk to you to see if I’ve missed the boat or not. If I’m simply too late, I understand.”
They might be excited to hear this, who knows. But yes, do it ASAP!
4. My medical accommodations make me look like the team slacker on our stats board
I have ADA accommodations at work, which take into account some extra time I need to attend to some medical things. My leadership is great about accounting for this in my stats, that is, hitting slightly lower than target numbers is totally satisfactory given the time I have remaining to actually work. However, this is remote work, and my team stats are posted at least weekly, breaking down each team member’s numbers, color coded to show if they are making target or not.
On these, I’m always showing as below target, as the same math is applied to everyone. While leadership tells me not to worry about it, I just hate the look to the rest of the team that I’m not pulling my weight. My teammates probably get warnings when hitting my numbers, but I’m sticking around for a long time now often (but not always) being below target. Overall I get up to about 45 minutes of extra break time, but no one else knows that below management, and I’d rather not share my medical issues. I’m perfectly capable, maybe even above average, during the time I have remaining in the day. I get very high reviews on the work I complete. Stats that reflect the quality rather than amount of my work are as high as others. Is there any good solution to maintaining medical privacy while not looking like a slacker on the team stat board?
Probably not. In theory you could ask them to take you off the stat board entirely, but (a) that’s likely to just raise different questions among your coworkers and (b) your employer wouldn’t have to agree to that. (If having you there was causing or worsening an ADA-protected medical condition — like if it was causing severe anxiety — you could argue that should be part of the accommodation. But if it’s just general discomfort, no.) You could possibly point out that since you have approved accommodations that alter your targets, comparing your numbers to people with different setups is comparing apples to oranges and structurally inaccurate. But I probably wouldn’t use the capital on it unless you’re deeply bothered by it.
5. Explaining to interviewers that I’d like a start date a few months out
I’m a software engineer currently in med tech. Long story short is my company is selling and I likely won’t have a job starting later this year. I’ve worked for this company for a decade and am looking at jobs outside of med tech to broaden my professional horizons and skill set. My company has offered a generous retention bonus if I stay on until a certain date in the fall, but I am not contractually locked in to stay until then. I have a few interviews lined up that I’m genuinely excited about, but I’d hate to leave money on the table when we could really use it (just had a baby, the resulting medical bills are steep).
Is there an appropriate juncture in the interview process to say something like, “My current company is on track to transfer ownership this fall. I am a member of the team tasked with maintenance and prep for the takeover. While I would be happy and able to set my start date before (date) if needed, it would be my preference to begin after that so I can wrap up loose ends and guarantee the smoothest possible transition for my current team. Is that timeline amenable to you or do you anticipate needing this role to begin sooner than then?” Would I be shooting myself in the foot with this request? Is there a different way I should phrase this that employers may respond to better? Jobs in my field are scarce and competitive, and it’s more important to me to be gainfully employed rather than get a one-time payout but again, this bonus would come at an especially opportune moment for me and my young family.
If they ask when you’re available, explain it then — but your proposed script is a lot of words and your willingness to start sooner if they need you to is getting lost. I’d say it this way: “My company is being acquired and ideally I’d like to stay to help with the transition through (date) if that’s possible on your end — but if you needed me to start before then, I could do that. What start date are you hoping for?”