My siblings and I grew up in an ok-ish home. We didn’t lack food or clothing, and our parents contributed to our education, but our parents have a lot of mental health challenges so I wouldn’t describe it as a happy home.
After I graduated college I got a fairly good job, then went to law school and am now making a lot of money at a job that is very stressful and negatively impacts my physical and mental well-being.
My younger siblings had a harder time starting out. I ended up paying for my younger sisters masters degree and some other costs, and eventually she was able to get her life on a happy track. She is also employed, has a good partner and has been entirely independent from my financial support for about 3.5 yrs now.
My brother is a different story. He never really figured out what to do as an adult. Tried a few different degree paths that didn’t work, and then did something artsy that sadly didn’t lead to a job in his field (which I think is common for his field). He had an unrelated job (job 1) which he quit to pursue engineering about 3.5 yrs ago. I told him that as a gift I’d help with his living expenses during his studies. He quit that program after a semester and fell into a pretty deep depression. I paid for all of his living expenses and for therapy, but he hasn’t really become a functional adult again. For about the last year I’ve felt quite stressed in my job and wanted to find something slower and lower paid, but haven’t felt like I can do that because my brother is fully financially dependent on me. He now receives some government assistance and I provide additional money. For context, he’s in his early 30s and I’m in my late 30s.
I’ve started feeling like this pattern keeps both of us in an unhealthy cycle and in January I told him I would keep funding him until July on the condition that he does therapy (which he had stopped attending) and volunteers at least once weekly to get him out of the house. In May he got a job (job 2), but quit within a week – in fairness to him it was a very physically demanding job and he isn’t very fit. He didn’t go back to volunteering after, and I guess I should have pushed for that, and shouldn’t have sent him money in August, but I felt bad. Now in August he found a new job (job 3) that involves travel and standing, but no heavy lifting etc. Four days into the job he called me that he wants to quit the job, he feels very stressed and his shoulders hurt. He says this is not because of an unsafe or unhealthy environment, his colleagues are nice, they are put up in clean, safe hotels when they travel, but he is just overwhelmed. I asked him to at least stick out the week and reminded him that every job is stressful to start, and asked him to at least confirm with his social worker that his benefits won’t be cut if he quits the job. He did none of those things and got onto a plane home the next day. I’ve also learned that job 1 has reached out to him twice during the time he’s been unemployed, offering for him to start back, although the job would be in a different European country from where he lives now. He turned them down.
Since he decided to quit job 3 after 4 days I’ve just felt taken advantage of. It feels like he feels like he can wait and hope for the perfect, non-stressful job to come along while I work my *** off to finance his life. And I’ve just felt so hurt. Our parents are not in the picture and I haven’t wanted him to feel alone or unsupported, but I think this has turned into something that is holding both of us back at this point. So I am thinking I will give him money for September so he has a bit of notice, and then nothing more. But I also just feel awful about the entire thing. Would love to hear thoughts, especially if you’ve been in a similar situation.