1. How to tell an employee to stop being bossy with coworkers
I run a small, seasonal coffee shop with six employees. I generally have two to four return employees per season, which is a huge asset.
An employee who has worked for me before has asked to come back, and while they are reliable, great with customers, and a very good barista, my other employees struggled with them being a bit overbearing and bossy, sometimes even giving incorrect feedback on procedures, and causing tension. They have a very bubbly and big personality and I don’t believe they realize how they come off. I plan to have a sit-down with them before the season begins to talk through how we can keep this dynamic from repeating. I’m wondering how best to approach the subject without making them feel shut-down or uncomfortable at work.
Part of what I plan to do is to tell them not to instruct coworkers at all, to let me be “the bad guy” and the one to address problems if they arise, and that if they see something concerning, they should come to me and I will decide whether it needs to be addressed, which would also give me the opportunity to let them know if they are just wrong. Where I’m struggling is that it is a big part of their personality to “mother” and I don’t want them to feel like they can’t relax in the space, but I also need them to be aware of how they affect their coworkers, and that contributing to a positive and safe work environment is part of their job. The other side of it is that with me, they tend to need a lot of reassurance that they are doing well, that coffee tastes good, that I’m happy with them, etc. Which means that I don’t tend to see the dynamics as they play out.
Yep, the right move is to tell them not to instruct or train their coworkers and instead to flag things for you so you can decide how and if to address it. That’s true even if they identify as someone who “mothers” — because their coworkers may not want to be mothered, and you don’t want them doing that mothering and in fact it has caused problems when they have.
They’re going to need to keep that tendency outside of work — which is the case with all sorts of parts of people’s personalities! Don’t fall into the trap of thinking “this is part of their personality so I can’t ask them to stifle it” — because that’s how we get work environments where all kinds of inappropriate things are tolerated. You are permitted to say (and indeed, as a manager will often have to say), “Personality trait or not, this won’t work for this space” (and they are permitted to decide whether the job is still one they want under those terms or if they would rather move on).
2. I can’t get a word in during project meetings
I’ve been recently working on a project with people I haven’t worked with before. The type of project it is means that we are working with another external organization on the regular. I have a meeting alongside one of my colleagues, Jim, with executives from the other organization, Sally and Anne. I’m peer to some and junior to others, and on this project I’m junior to all.
Sally, Anne, and Jim all have a previous work history together and know each other quite well. When we have meetings, all three are the type that they talk … a lot … and don’t really let up to let other people jump in with their thoughts and ideas. It’s made it hard for me because despite raising my hand and attempting to cut in, I haven’t been successful in being able to get a word in edgewise. Going above them isn’t really an option because of their roles in their organizations, and I have no control over the agenda.
Speaking to them directly about this isn’t received well and it’s something all three know they are known for anyway. They have big personalities and take things very personally. So when you say something to them, even in a very constructive and thoughtful way, they’ll thank you for the feedback and then behind the scenes tell others that you’re not a team player, and they’ll be petty and passive aggressive to you. Do you have any advice for how I could move past being boxed out and maybe finally get to voice my thoughts in this situation?
Is there ever an opening in these meetings to say, “I’m having trouble getting a word in! I wanted to say something about X.” Or, can you talk to Jim privately before the next meeting and enlist his help? Even though he’s part of the problem, he might be receptive if you frame it as, “The three of you have worked together so closely and have such a good rapport that I’ve had trouble getting any room to talk in our meetings! Do you have advice for how I can create some room to contribute as well? I don’t want to cut people off, and even when I’ve tried it hasn’t really worked.”
If that doesn’t work, then because you’re the most junior one there, this might just be how these meetings are going to go. In that case, one option is to keep a running list of input and questions and take it to Jim (since he’s your coworker) one-on-one afterwards.
3. Should I invite my boss to my housewarming party?
I recently moved into a new apartment, and my partner and I are getting our ducks in a row for a casual housewarming party. Some snacks, BYOB, and some music some evening in the coming weeks as the weather gets nicer and we can use the back yard.
My team at work is a relatively young set-up (we range in ages from early 30s to early 40s, with some outliers on the plus or minus side of that bracket). I will be extending the invite to my work chat group, with no expectations anyone has to be there.
I wonder if I should also extend it to my manager. For context, she is also in her early 30s, around one year older than I actually. We have a pretty good working relationship and understanding so from a social perspective, I wouldn’t have a problem with inviting her and I don’t imagine others would either, as we all get along well in the team.
However, I know there is also a slight imbalance in terms of my being her direct report, and some managers may want to separate church and state and not socialize with their reportees.
If you’re inviting your whole team, it’s fine to invite your manager. She can decline if she wants to! If you’re only inviting a few people, then I’d leave her out.
If you want to be extra cautious, you could explicitly mention there are no hard feelings if anyone can’t make it, so no one feels pressured (but most people will assume that anyway, as long as you are not someone who routinely pressures people to do things they don’t want to).
4. When to disclose neurological issues before a firm diagnosis
Over the past year and a half, I’ve been experiencing some neurological issues that are affecting my work to a noticeable degree. These include lack of focus, limited memory (beyond general forgetfulness), and difficulty with comprehension. My manager has made clear that my work is suffering; I’m a director who is definitely not working at that level.
I am working with doctors to determine what is happening, but the process is going to take some time. In the interim, I’m starting medications. At what point, if any, should I disclose it to my manager? Since I don’t have a diagnosis, I’m not sure what to disclose exactly. But because my performance is obviously impacted (and I’m worried about my position), I’m wondering if I should say something.
Since your manager has already raised the work issues with you, you should definitely make it clear that there’s a medical context for it (so that they don’t assume you’re just checked out, stopped caring, etc.). Say it this way: “I’ve been experiencing some medical issues that are affecting my focus and memory. I’m actively working with my doctor to figure out what’s going on and get it under control. We’re working on treatment, and I’m hopeful it will be resolved soon.”
Related:
how do I handle being off my game at work because of a medical situation?
5. How can I negotiate for maternity leave at a new job?
I started job searching a few months ago, and am now in the final round of interviews for a great position.
After my second interview, I found out I was pregnant. My partner and I are super excited, but there’s a problem: employees of the new organization qualify for maternity leave after working there for 12 months, and they get eight weeks of leave. If I accepted this position, I would work for approximately six months before giving birth.
My current organization provides 12 weeks of maternity leave, and I already qualify for FMLA. Long-term, the new position makes more sense but it’s my first child, and I want that 12 weeks of leave to bond with them and heal.
I think I have a bargaining chip: I have a certain certification that’s rare in my field, but necessary to the new job. The organization would save thousands of dollars if they hired me instead of sponsoring the certification for someone else. If I’m offered the position, how do I negotiate for 12 weeks of maternity leave?
You can be pretty straightforward once you have the offer: explain that you’d love to come on board and are excited to work with them and you’re pregnant and due in (month) and your current employer offers 12 weeks of maternity leave, and ask if they’d be willing to match that for you starting in (month). If they agree, get it in writing.