1. Vaping on video calls
I work for Company A. We partner closely with Company B on a few projects. There is a power dynamic where Company B provides more resources and calls more shots than we do, and I am very new on the team.
I was on a Zoom call with an important person from Company B recently, and she was vaping on the call. She probably used her vape device at least 10 times on the call, and smoke was visible. She didn’t mention it, and neither did I. I don’t know what she was using, and she appeared to be in her home, though I’m not sure.
I was so shocked, as it seemed wildly unprofessional, but I didn’t say anything to her about it. But assuming she wasn’t getting high and she wasn’t producing second-hand smoke for anyone else, does it matter? What do you think about vaping on camera on work calls?
Most workplaces would consider it unprofessional, although it’s possible that hers doesn’t (or that they do but they put up with it because she’s considered important).
Generally, if you wouldn’t do it at an in-person meeting, you shouldn’t visibly do it on-camera during a video call either … so that also covers things like drinking a beer (in most offices), applying a full face of makeup, or running on a treadmill. Partly that’s about the likelihood that you’ll look disengaged and partly it’s about the distraction to other people on the call. And really, if it was that important to your contact at Company B to vape right then, she could have simply turned her camera off.
That said, she’s high level at a different company; it’s definitely not anything to act on in any way.
2. My name makes coworkers think I’m older than I am
I am a young public librarian with a generally old-fashioned name (Eleanor), though outside of work I typically go by a nickname (Elle). I like my name, but have found that it often gives people the impression that I am much older than I am if they don’t know me (not helped by stereotypes about librarians).
I work in a small branch of a big system in a major city, so outside of 10-15 people I’ve worked with in-person, most of my interaction with my hundreds of other coworkers is through email. I have had coworkers painstakingly give me explanations on how to use TikTok or what the difference between manga and graphic novels are. When people see me in person, they sometimes seem shocked to see someone without grandkids.
Aside from the ageism, would it be worthwhile to go by my nickname at work? I generally enjoy the separation the two names give me, but as I have to slog through more emails about things that I am very aware of, it seems that going by a younger sounding name might be prudent to correctly flag others of my approximate age.
This is interesting because I think of Eleanor as more of a classic name than one that’s a clear hallmark of an older person. It’s also rising in popularity again; it’s currently ranked #56 on The Bump’s most popular girl names and was the 14th most popular name for girls born in the U.S. last year! So even if it went away for a while, it’s coming back!
But if you’re up for using Elle at work and seeing if that leads to a change, it would be an interesting experiment. Only you can decide it’s worth it to do that — if you feel strongly about having the Eleanor/Elle separation between work/personal life, it might not be. But if you’re irritated by the TikTok explanations and you’re already using Elle in the rest of your life anyway, it’s not the worst idea.
I realize I’m not giving you clear direction here, and it’s because there really isn’t a right answer; it just depends on how you personally weigh all of these factors.
(Although it would be fascinating if you switch to Elle and it keeps happening, and then it turns out that it had nothing to do with your name and is actually because you’re typing in all caps and using a lot of ellipses or otherwise signaling advanced age. Please update us immediately if it goes that way.)
3. I’m miserable in my PhD program
I’m a PhD student. I’ve discovered that I love teaching at the college level, and I’m good at it (according to my students and observers). I’ve also discovered that I hate research, and that it makes me miserable. I think I can do some good as a teacher, in increasing science literacy while research is being defunded. I need to complete this PhD to be able to teach, and I need to do research and publish on said research to be able to graduate. So, I’m in a situation where I need to do a job that I hate, in order to be allowed to do a job I love.
I’ve tried reframing the issue to be about my future career, my labmates, the benefit of my research, all kinds of different ways of thinking about it. I’ve looked into options to leave my PhD, and all of them end with me not being able to pursue a career as a teacher (I am not allowed to teach K-12, as I do not have a teaching degree, which is required). I feel sick, miserable, and angry every time I go into the lab, and I’ve been finding myself trying to come up with reasons to avoid doing my work. I don’t want to do that, as I know that I need this to get done, and I don’t want to be an unpleasant coworker. I’ve been working with a therapist on this for months already. I’ve tried to make myself more directly accountable, so that I know people I work with would be let down if I didn’t do my lab work, but that’s only resulted in a spike in anxiety levels and not actually any more work done.
I understand this is my problem, and I don’t want to be dramatic, but I don’t know what to do. I want to do my work and I want to do it well, but I don’t know how to keep feeling like this. The only thing making me happy right now is teaching, but in order to do any teaching, I need to keep doing lab work, which is making me miserable. Leaving my PhD will mean I lose my ability to actually help the world and do the job I can actually do, while staying will mean I keep feeling like I’m stuck in hell for 3/4ths of the week. I’ve looked, I swear I’ve looked – any jobs that ask for a lecturer, even adjuncts, either recommend or require a PhD, and for those that recommend, they require some amount of teaching experience at the collegiate level (specifically instructor of record level, which is nearly impossible for PhD students to get, and I’ve looked for that, too).
I don’t know what to do. I’ve asked my advisor, my family, my friends for advice, and none of them knew of a way out of this. I just feel lost and alone, and pointless, and you give so much advice that says “leave or find a way to be okay with this,” but if I leave or if I stay, in both scenarios I know I will not be okay.
You don’t say how long you have remaining in your PhD program, but assuming it’s a significant amount of time … why not switch tracks and get a teaching degree? Or look into whether there are ways you could teach K-12 without a teaching degree? It might not be possible where you currently live, but many states allow people to teach without a teaching degree if they have a bachelor’s and complete a state-approved educator preparation program or teaching certificate, which are less investment than doing a whole new degree.
Right now you’re in a program you hate for work you don’t want to do. Switch to what you actually want to do.
4. Someone I manage doesn’t answer my emails
I am a director, and someone I supervise doesn’t always respond to the emails I send them. I don’t know if it’s because they are in their 20s or they just don’t think they need to respond if the answer is no. I feel like my response needs to be a bit stronger than just to ask them their preference of communication. Help!
Say this: “I’ve noticed you don’t always respond to the emails I send you, and it’s really important that you do. Can you look at what systems you’re using to manage your email and see what you change to make sure messages don’t fall through the cracks? Not just mine, but everyone’s.”
If that doesn’t resolve it, then you treat it like a performance issue, since it is. That means that you have a more serious conversation with hem about it — “We’ve talked about this previously, but it’s still happening and needs to get fixed. What can you change on your end to ensure emails don’t go unanswered?” You should also be explicit about exactly what the expectations are (like emails on X don’t require a response but anything with a direct question does, and normal turnaround should be X amount of time, etc.).
5. How should I handle a 90-day review when I’m thinking about leaving?
I recently started a new job doing admin/clerical work for a specialized field that I’m completely new to. My previous job was seasonal without opportunity to stay on permanently after our assignment, but it was in a field I’ve grown a passion for (think county office for community services).
Since I’ve started working here, the company has made some major changes that have left me uneasy (firings and lay-offs, leading to a complete 180 pivot on the technology front compared to what was explained to me when I was hired). I voiced those concerns during my 30-day review and have spoken to many of the long-term staff here, which has given me some relief. But ultimately, while I could stay and find success eventually, I don’t want to pigeonhole myself into this niche industry while the company is transitioning, and I’m struggling to move past all that has happened in the 2 months I’ve been here.
A month ago, a handful of former coworkers from my old company messaged me that a permanent position was open and they wanted me to apply. So, of course, I applied as soon as I could! But the hiring process is known to be slow, so I may not hear back for a good while and my 90-day review with my current job is coming up in two weeks.
How do I handle my review meeting with my manager? I don’t want to burn bridges because it’s overall a decent company and the team has been great to me, individually. I’d like to be as honest as I can but I don’t want get ahead of myself if I end up not getting the job at my old workplace. If an offer is made, I’d immediately accept because it’s work I want to continue for a substantial pay raise.
Don’t mention the other job prospect to your manager at all. You have no way of knowing if you’ll be offered the job, and so there’s nothing actionable for your manager in that information. All it would do is make them nervous about you having one foot out the door, and that could harm you if you don’t get the other job (for example, if they need to make more cuts, you could be first on that list).
Just handle the review exactly the way you would have if this other position had never been mentioned. If you do end up getting and taking the other job, you can just explain to your manager at that point that it fell in your lap and you couldn’t pass it up.